Ah, the end of another year. This year, however, has been a particularly good year…which seems weird to say since we spent a good portion of that year with Bill laid off, living with my in-laws, etc. But oddly, this was one of the happiest years of my life. Maybe the happiest so far. I fully expect 2009 to be just as fabulous, possibly even more so. Bill has a good job. We’re living in a house I love which happens to be located in an area I love more every stinkin’ day. But even if those things weren’t true, I think I’d still be the happiest I’ve been in…well, forever.
In the late part of 2007, I made a decision that I would do my level best to be a better person and to have better relationships. Not everyone in my life was on board with me speaking up when I was hurt or angry. Not everyone in my life accepted that I was no longer going to tolerate personal attacks on me, my husband or my kids. Not everyone in my life was too thrilled about the idea that it was get healthy or get out. And a few of those people didn’t believe that I meant what I said. Those folks? Well, they don’t have access to me or my family anymore.
That wasn’t a punishment for not conforming to my will. Nor was it something I did without a lot of agonizing and soul-searching. In the end, though, my own mental health and well-being forced me to do what I felt was necessary to protect myself and my children from toxic people. I found the strength and the resolve to do what needed to be done, though in some cases it was truly quite painful.
Since then, I’ve realized that having this toxic bullshit in your life is a lot like having a bad thryoid – it colors everything, and you don’t even realize how shitty it’s making you feel ’til you start fixing it. Or at least that’s how it was for me. With it now gone, I’ve started sorting through my own head. Figuring out what I believe v. what someone else wants me to believe, what’s true about me v. what someone else needed me to think so they could maintain control, etc.
Frankly, I dig me. I won’t go into all my reasons for loving who I am because who wants to read that shit? But a year ago, I couldn’t have said that with any honesty. There were parts of me I liked, and there were a few things I thought I did well, but mostly? I let toxic trash color my self-perception. Thankfully, that’s all over. However, the hits keep coming – Google Analytics has informed me that the toxic folks keep on reading.
My initial reaction to this is to close this fucking thing down, make all photo sites private, etc. But why? Let them look and long to be a part of my life again. Let them sit and think about how their own shittastic behaviors are keeping them out. It doesn’t hurt me any. Frankly, I’m flattered by the obsessive attention. (Plus the extra pageviews help my revenue.) And I admit to feeling a tad bit sorry for anyone whose life is so empty that all they have to think about is me and my family, so why rob those people of the joy of stalking me? Amiright?
Was that callous? Maybe. But then again, maybe it’s just that I’m all done giving even a little time and attention to people who would hurt me over and over given the opportunity. Maybe this is, for me, a way to close this chapter, to say “If I don’t care, then I don’t care”, if that makes sense. Even if it doesn’t, I’m telling you this is me saying goodbye to that last part of me that gave a shit about those toxic folks, okay?
Yeah. Happy New Year, y’all. Mine sure will be. ;)
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