Clarity. I think.

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Life

By Steph ⋅ September 16, 2008 ⋅

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Tags: about me, random, Socrates

A moment of clarity…an epiphany…call it what you like, but I’ve had one. I think. No, I’m sure. It’s not like I have a lot of clarity here to muddle things up. Which…wouldn’t make sense because clarity is sort of the opposite of muddled, at least when it comes to thinking, but hey, it’s me, and I figure you guys will know what I mean here. Except in re-reading that, I’m not even sure what I mean, so probably it’s best if we all just move forward under the assumption that I did, in fact, have a moment of clarity. (It’s okay if you wish I had more of those; I wish it, too.)

Anyhoodle, moment of clarity. Focus, Steph. Okay, so I was thinking about who I am. And while I’d like for y’all to believe I’m some deep, philosophical bitch who buys into that “An unexamined life is not worth living”* thing, I figure y’all have read this thing long enough to call total bullshit on that. So, I’ll tell the truth - it was brought on by one of those damn personality tests. The one that tells you if you’re an ENFJ (like me) or an ENFP (like Sugar) or whatever.

In reading the results of that test, I realized something totally crazy. The person I show to the world is not the person I believe myself to be. That’s not to say I’m a horrible person or anything, just that somewhere along the way, a disconnect happened. I decided that I would fake the funk - either with y’all or myself. (I’m still sorting that part out. Also? Fuck you, Grammar Police, I ends my sentences how I wants. I also conjugate verbs how I wants, too.)

That sort of led to another idea - how hard it is to change when the people around you are saying, “But this is who you are, and I refuse to see you differently”? Pretty goddamn hard, to be honest. It’s like once people think of you as X, no matter how hard you try to show them you’re really A or Y or W, they’re like, “Ha ha! That’s funny! You’re X, and you know it!” And then, you start thinking, “I must be X because even though I feel like I’m really A or Y or W, everyone SAYS I’m X.” And then you kind of just go with that, even though inside you feel like something is completely amiss…which leads to you writing some crazyass post about all of this crazy shit in your head.

Shit. Is this another one of those things that’s just me?

*Socrates was, however, a rad mofo, and I wish I were more like him. I mean, this cat laid knew things, people. “Let him who would move the world first move himself.” That? That is some serious fucking Truth, yo.

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Which version do I get? I’m hoping that its Y. Not because I like you the way that you portray yourself (even though I do) and I don’t want you to be who you really are (even though I do). I’d just be bummed that you felt like you needed to show me anything other than Y or whatever letter the real you is. Re-reading that didn’t quite make sense but I can’t figure out how to make it make more sense. I hope you portray to my ass who you really are because you know I’d love you regardless. That is the plight of BFFness.

So my roundabout longass winded point is that if you are a Y and are showing your girl X, stop. Right now. Because I’d love you if you were a Sector Z9 Plural Z-Alpha. *nod*

Posted by Missy

| September 16, 2008, 7:23 am

yeah, i think clarity is something that we only experience when we are on our deathbed, or during that last few moments… like, “damn, i should have not given such a shit about the little things and focused on the things that actually matter! like, my kids and my family!” shit like that.

but, epiphany? sure. btw, i think i am an INTJ. i think. for some reason, that acronym is popping into my head. i ain’t no E, that’s for damn sure…

and re: being who others see you as? i am guilty of this with my BFF. the whole “Ha ha! That’s funny! You’re X, and you know it!” thing is, i haven’t changed much since we met each other in elementary school, and she’s all educated and worldy and has actually aged PAST 12yrs old…

so, yeah, i totally understand what you’re saying. it’s not just you. it never is. :)

Posted by matteroffactmommy

| September 16, 2008, 11:03 am

I’m still waiting for my epiphany of clarity. It’s probably on backorder, like everything else in my life.

“….That sort of led to another idea - how hard it is to change when the people around you are saying, “But this is who you are, and I refuse to see you differently”? Pretty goddamn hard, to be honest…”

I totally hear ya. After what happened in January, I think it’s almost impossible for me to change at this point. And the terrifying thing about that is, I don’t want to be that person. But I think, failing a lobotomy, I am.

Posted by Auds at Barking Mad

| September 16, 2008, 11:09 am

I think that my friends and I are all pretty tuned in to each other, to the point where we JUMP onto variations in any behavior, trying to figure out whether it’s phase behavior or molting into a new person behavior. My family, on the other hand, will always see me the same way. It makes me want to go do something drastic to prove them wrong.
And I think I’d be afraid to know how people really see me. Because it would probably be so different from how I see myself that I’d have to hold a press conference. While, re: my last post, I do not care anymore what strangers think of me, I DO care how my friends and family view me, or I should say, I care that they view me how I mean for them to. CONTROL! I need to learn to relinquish it and not care…whatever. I’m going to go take a bath.

Posted by Lindsey

| September 16, 2008, 11:15 am

Missy - You get the real deal. Raw dog, straight-up me. Because you can handle the Steph. Hee.

MoFM - Dude. When I was 22, I was told twice within a week that I should have died due to things I’d done. I’ll post about it sometime. After that, though, I had complete clarity about who I was, what I wanted to do, etc. Somewhere along the way, I lost that shit. I’d like to find it again.

Auds - I think there are events that impact us so profoundly that we don’t have any choice but to change. But I also think it’s possible to recover and maybe change again. I don’t know. I’m still working all this shit out in my own head; I probably shouldn’t say bupkis about what goes on in anyone else’s head.

Lindsey - I think you’d probably be very pleasantly surprised about how your friends see you. I, for one, think you’re fucking rockstar, and I’m kind of a particular bitch.

Also? Eff your family. Do your thing. Which I know from personal experience is MUCH easier said than done. But I ALSO know from experience that it can be done. :)

Posted by Steph

| September 16, 2008, 11:56 am

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