Life

A brief hiatus?

This weekend has been one of sheer laziness for me, at least when it came to my blog. I wrote up 365s to cover for me. I didn’t even look at this blog. (I hope Missy didn’t post anything good.) Mostly, I wanted to take a moment to think about what the hell it is I’m doing here.

Or more accurately, what the hell it is I’m not doing here. I’m not discussing some things because I’m afraid of upsetting people. I’m not discussing other things because I’m “being the bigger person”. I’m not discussing the children nearly as much because the pervasive paranoia of Internet moms has finally gotten its hooks into me…or to be more accurate, I’ve realized that it’s not just Missy, D and Bill reading this thing anymore.

I’ve realized that all of this stuff I’m so pointedly avoiding is the very stuff about which I want most to blog. Probably that’s because one thing that makes me want to do something more than anything else in the world is to be told (even by myself) I can’t do it. But it’s also because I’ve promised myself from day one to “keep it really real” around here. Now I never said that meant I had to post every little detail of my life, but I did mean that I wouldn’t censor myself or avoid topics because someone else might not like my choice to discuss it.

I feel like I’ve failed to keep that promise.

I also feel like I should have taken a page from MoFM’s book and kept this thing from my friends and family. Or a page from Anna V’s book and kept it totally anonymous. Like so many other things happening now, it’s very easy to say what I should have done differently now that I’m safely unable to make different choices.

But there’s the reality that some of the things I want to discuss are better left unblogged. There’s the reality that as much as I want this to be what I want (and sometimes feel I need) to write about, other people will read it and be affected by my words. That reality has weighed heavily upon me lately, my friends, very heavily.

I guess what I’m saying here is that I’m still trying to find the balance between “really real” and “oh, no, she di-in’t!” I’m trying to find that place where I feel I’m honoring my promise to myself while also giving respect to other people’s privacy.

So if it seems like I’m off, no worries. I’m just working on my blog yoga, y’all.

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