Is our marriage going bad?

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By Steph ⋅ August 9, 2008 ⋅

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Tags: beds, Bill, me, sleeping arrangements

When you live with your in-laws, you learn things about your own marriage. Like why your husband’s argument style is what it is, where he learned how to cook, etc. One thing we’re learning is that we sleep better in separate beds. (Our in-laws don’t have an issue with us sleeping together, but hello? Two bigass folks + one full-size bed? You do that math, kids.)

We’re even discussing maybe buying a second bed for me when we get our own digs. Does this mean we’re freaks? Is our marriage on the rocks? Should I be worried? (Keep in mind that I’m a thrasher. I toss and turn nearly all night. Bill is a bedkicker. We both snore, God help us.)

What do y’all think? I’m seriously asking here. Is wanting separate beds a sign that we’re in trouble?

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There are a lot of practical reasons to have separate beds that have no bearing on the marriage or anything else. But have sex in his so yours stays nice ;)

Posted by Eden

| August 9, 2008, 4:47 pm

Hmmmm…no. Marty and I have a king sized bed and we stay on our sides (yeah, there have been jokes about putting a stripe down the middle), but when it’s time, we meet in the middle. ;) I don’t think it would be any different if we were separate beds. Y’all would be in the same room, right?

Posted by Celeste

| August 9, 2008, 7:20 pm

@Eden - Hee! I wouldn’t even have thought of that. Hee again! Also? Thanks for the tip.

@Celeste - Yeah, same room. When I want to make a booty call, I do not want to traipse down the hallway or whatever. Hee. And we have a king (in storage) which is fine size-wise, but both of us are rowdy sleepers. LOL

Posted by Steph

| August 9, 2008, 9:40 pm

Two beds for sleeping comfort makes sense. As long as you use one bed for the other stuff, like pillow fights and recreational sex.

Posted by San Diego Momma

| August 9, 2008, 10:25 pm

@San Diego Momma - Well, if I HAVE to. Hee.

Posted by Steph

| August 10, 2008, 12:46 am

Okay, I’ve never been married, BUT I’ve always thought if I ever DID, I’d want separate bedrooms. Just because I need my own space. We could always sleep in the same bed, and go between rooms to mix up the weekly routine. If you need actual SLEEP, you’ll have a place for that.

I realize I’m a bit unconventional, but I say do what works for you. Wouldn’t hurt to try!

Posted by mommypie

| August 10, 2008, 1:08 am

An aunt and uncle of mine have slept in seperate beds in seperate rooms for years and they’re one of the happiest couples I’ve ever met. He snores like a chainsaw and she’s an insanely light sleeper. Actually I think its probably a good sign that you’re comfortable enough in your marriage to consider the idea.

Posted by Missy

| August 10, 2008, 9:31 am

Or, you know, you could get a swinging sex chair as “neutral ground.”

Posted by Eden

| August 10, 2008, 10:24 am

@mommypie - I think we are going to go ahead with it. I mean, what the hell? It’s no one’s business but ours, right?

Also? I’m with you on the “my space” thing. I’m betting a lot of people feel that way since the new “hot” trend in building homes is to have two master suites.

@Missy - Right. I honestly think it would be okay for us. It’s not like either one of us is saying, “I won’t sleep with you because you’re repellent.” :grin:

@Eden - Wouldn’t that be fun to explain to the kids? Hee.

Posted by Steph

| August 10, 2008, 11:19 am

I have a strong opinion on this, as my husband and I don’t co-sleep and we’ve gotten lots of opposition in opinions on this subject.

1. I think the better sleep you get, the better spouse and/or parent you are.
2. We have been together for almost two decades and it hasn’t affected our “relations” or relationship in any way!
3. My husband can keep his “room” in any condition he wants and doesn’t hear anything from me. And vice versa. It’s nice to have your own space, especially when there seems to be none that is your own.
4. Sleeping in separate beds/same room would be OK, if there weren’t loud snoring, a blaring early alarm clock, scrambling around in the morning, etc.

5. Not sleeping in the same bed, inadvertantly enables us to have sex in interesting places, since that’s not where we’re meeting up every night! :-)

6. We do sleep together on the weekends and it’s OK. We are also much happier doing so since we got a king sized bed.

My grandparents were married for 75 years and slept in sep. bedrooms and were completely happy. Possibly more happy than if they’d slept together. So….I kind of think a lot of people don’t co-sleep, are happier for it, and we just don’t know about it because of our society’s aging opinion on it.
Let’s face it - we weren’t engineered to sleep together - we’re not wolves, for crying out loud!! We are all so different and to expect that in a relationship, is sometimes unrealistic. I also think it’s funny when I hear so many wives complain about all of the issues of sleeping with their spouse…but they still continue to do so!

Whatever works for each couple is what they should do. Period. It is YOUR happiness and health.

Posted by Loren

| August 10, 2008, 2:43 pm

Sometimes I wish I had someplace else to go at night. We have a Cal King and it’s still not big enough. Hubby is 6′ 3″ and tends to sleep on the diagonal so his feet don’t hang off the bottom. And he snores. And grinds his teeth. It’s a wonder we’re still married! @Loren -

Posted by Melanie @ Mel, A Dramatic Mommy

| August 10, 2008, 3:17 pm

@Loren - I’m glad someone who’s actually doing this weighed in on the matter. I don’t see a downside here, but you nailed my own fears with the phrase “our society’s aging opinion.” We’re all told that married people sleep in the same bed. Period. To do anything else means there’s trouble brewing or less-than-blissful wedded bliss or whatever other junk we all believe without even realizing we believe.

So, thank you. Thank you for making me stop and THINK about what my hang-up here REALLY was and then to realize that I know my marriage is good, and us sleeping apart isn’t going to mean we’re divorcing in a year.

@Melanie @ Mel, A Dramatic Mommy - I swear, I’m so sold on this separate arrangements thing now. :grin:

Posted by Steph

| August 10, 2008, 6:32 pm

For some reason, when my husband sleeps in our bed, his back feels like hell in the morning. But when he sleeps on our new micro-fiber couch (making a drool puddle on it, thanks), his back feels great. So I’d say 75% of the week we sleep apart, and I love it because if I wake up during the night, I turn on the light and read to get back to sleep, which I can’t do if he’s in bed with me. We hardly ever have sex in bed anymore, anyway. It’s always in the bathroom with the door locked at 3:45 in the afternoon while the kids watch “Tarzan”, or downstairs in the family room while waiting for Ryan Seacrest to get to the damn results on American Idol.

Posted by Lindsey

| August 11, 2008, 9:55 am

separate beds is not a big deal at all. (i would use my in-laws as an example, but 50 years of wedded misery isn’t a good reason to bring it up. heh.)

for a while, my husband slept in the same bed with my son - after baby sister was born - because he was having issues that no one loved him, etc., etc. i totally got used to it and now i prefer sleeping alone. HOWEVER, it kind of stopped the sex, so we had to nip it in the bud, so to speak, and start sleeping together again. after all, the only sex we have is middle-of-the-night sex or before-the-kids-get-up sex. no time for ‘recreational sex’ these days.

also along the lines of TMI… when we remodeled the house, we were *this* close to putting side by side toilets in the master bathroom.

Posted by matteroffactmommy

| August 11, 2008, 12:35 pm

@Lindsey - I know I shouldn’t, but LOL about the drool puddle.

@matteroffactmommy - LOL about the side by side potties. I couldn’t do it. My bathroom time? Sacred. Stay out or face the wrath.

Posted by Steph

| August 11, 2008, 3:31 pm

@lindsey– LMAO at the times you have sex… ME TOO!

steph, i can’t believe i told you that. btw, we only decided against it because the re-sale value of the house would have… yup… gone into the toilet…

Posted by matteroffactmommy

| August 11, 2008, 4:48 pm

@matteroffactmommy - Ah hahahahahaha I love puns. A lot. That shit (HA! Another toilet pun!) is guaranteed to make me LOL.

Posted by Steph

| August 12, 2008, 4:55 am

you’re right it’s nobody’s business. i think it’s kind of quaint though, like rob and laura petrie.

Posted by myra

| August 16, 2008, 2:07 pm

@myra - Or Lucy and Ricky. Heh.

Posted by Steph

| August 16, 2008, 2:56 pm

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