My MIL has a miniature Dachsund named Heidi. She is a little on the roly poly side. Heidi, that is. My MIL is not roly or poly. Bill makes fun of Heidi on a regular basis. First, because he’s jealous that the dog has a bigger Christmas stocking than he does. Second, because it irritates his mom when he does it. And last, he’s just an asshole sometimes.
Bill has made comments about Heidi being a Bratwurst instead of a hot dog. He’s pointed out that she’s not-so-miniature. And when Janice (my MIL) has Heidi perform the trick “roll over”? Well, let’s just not even get into the comments made then, okay? (In Bill’s defense, watching Heidi attempt to roll over is pretty hilarious.)
Anyway, Heidi is on a diet. (Heidi has been on a diet for most of the time I’ve known Bill and his family.) My MIL blames Darth Gene for this. She swears he feeds the dog his food surreptitiously. Now anyone who’s ever witnessed the Gene eating will tell you he’s not giving the dog people food on purpose. Food just falls out of his open mouth while he’s eating. (Take a moment and ponder that, huh?) And sure, this probably isn’t helping Heidi regain her girlish figure, but it’s not the only reason she’s 7 pounds overweight. (Yes. SEVEN POUNDS.)
My MIL has a policy that Heidi must “clean her plate” before she gets a treat. Now this logic has escaped me when it comes to people, so it’s really killing me when it’s applied to a dog. As long as my kids have consumed part of their dinner, I’ll let them have dessert. I don’t buy the idea that if they get “filled up” on dinner, they won’t want dessert. That’s crap, IMO. Instead of learning about moderation, they’re learning that being stuffed to the gills is okay. But this isn’t about people, this is about a dog. So let me stop digressing.
The vet has repeatedly told my MIL that Heidi needs to weigh less than 10 pounds. Heidi weighs 17 pounds. Knowing this, Bill asked her why she made the dog eat all her food before giving the dog a treat. My MIL responded that if she gave her the treat first, Heidi wouldn’t eat the food. Yeah, we get that, but why does she have to eat all the food? Because she needs the nutrition, of course. The treats have no nutritional value.
Okay, so why give her the treats at all? Well, because the treats are low-fat and low-cal. Okay, so why can’t she have the treat midway through? It has NO NUTRITION. Okay, so why does she need the treat? Well, it’s not hurting her because it’s low-fat and low-cal. Rinse, repeat. At no point in time did my MIL ever see Bill’s point. Not one time. In fact, I’d wager that she still believes that Bill had no point at all.
As for me? I’m gonna keep on slipping Heidi stuff from my plate.
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3 responses so far ↓
1 Lindsey // Jun 24, 2008 at 8:01 pm
A fat rottweiler, not so funny. A fat dachsund? Hysterical. Especially one with a regular human girl’s name. The mental image of her trying to roll over made me laugh.
2 Steph // Jun 24, 2008 at 11:08 pm
Lindsey - Wednesdays with Tricia might have to change to Wednesdays with Heidi just so y’all can share in my lulz.
3 Jane // Jun 25, 2008 at 12:51 am
Yeah, a “Heidi” trying to roll over (with what I imagine was some difficulty) was pretty funny.