So, I was having an e-mail conversation with D last night in which I talked about my oldest little rat. (Who is actually taller than I am, so I probably should stop calling him a little rat.) Anyway, I was telling D about what a horrific mom I was during Matt’s early childhood and how he’d never stopped loving me, even though he had every right and most other kids would have given up on me. Not my Matty boy.
I’m not going to go into details about it because it’s simply not important anymore. I was young and stupid and utterly self-absorbed. I had an experience that completely changed me and my life. I came out of that experience a better person and, more importantly, a better mom. Most importantly, I didn’t lose Matt. That kid stuck it out, and while he and I have had our share of dealing with trust issues since then, his love for me has never once failed.
And that’s why I have a special little soft spot in my heart for my boy. Oh, don’t misunderstand me here - I love my girls. I think those two girly little rats hung the moon and the stars. I don’t play favorites, and I certainly don’t love any of my kids more than the others. But here’s the thing - Lenna and Tricia have always had a good mom. They’ve never had their love for me tested to its breaking point. For them, it’s always been pretty easy to love me. (Lenna might argue this a little, but that’s because I won’t let her do whatever she wants.) Matt, however, has loved me through some of my worst mothering mistakes. For him, there were a lot of bumps in the road, and he hung in there. He has never once given up on his ol’ momm-ay. How could I not have a little soft spot for the boy?
There are times when what’s in my heart is too big for me to express to that boy, and even though I fancy myself very articulate, I sometimes cannot find words to tell him everything I want to tell him. How do I express joy and gratitude and pride so vast that my heart feels like it’s going to burst sometimes? How do I tell this young man that while I understand he’s not going to be mine forever, I’ve been truly and ridiculously glad about every moment that he has been mine? How do I express that I really do mean it when I say I’ll be the greatest fan of his life?
Also? How do I apologize for that engineer outfit?
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20 responses so far ↓
1 Jane // Apr 5, 2008 at 11:48 am
::sniffle:: That really choked me up! And LOL about the outfit — he’s going to get a lot of mileage out of that one! And look how young you were!!!
2 d // Apr 5, 2008 at 11:58 am
Matt will be yours forever. That’s just a fact of being his momm-ay. But I get what you mean.
My mom always told me “No matter how old you get, you’ll always be MY baby.”
I never understood that until I had kids of my own.
And like Matt, many first-borns bear the brunt of shitty parenting. Just ask my sister or Gus. LOL
But Matt has a good mom now and has for a while, so it’s all good.
Also, have you let him know this? Because you should dude. He needs to hear it.
3 Steph // Apr 5, 2008 at 12:08 pm
Jane - I was a tender lass of 20. That was a LONG time ago. LOL. I’m glad you dug it. Also? My phone hasn’t rung even once lately. This might make my face the teensiest bit sad. And by “teensiest bit”, I mean, “WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED ME?!?!?”
d - You know how teenage boys are, dude. He does NOT want to hear it. LOL. He gets all embarrassed and says, “MOMM-AY!! Stop!!” But I still tell him. I figure someday, he’ll be glad I did. :)
4 d // Apr 5, 2008 at 1:24 pm
Oh yeah. He’ll be all squirmy and shit, but really, you know he’s glad to hear it.
5 Steph // Apr 5, 2008 at 1:27 pm
d - This is how it went…
Me: Matt, you know I’m your biggest fan, right?
Matt: :trying not to grin: Yes, Momm-ay. I know.
Me: Okay, dude. I love you.
Matt: I KNOW!! Gawd!
But his whole face lit up. So yeah. Hee.
6 Amber // Apr 5, 2008 at 3:08 pm
Well I was going to say just say what you said in that last paragraph, just to him.
And doesn’t it just feel fabulous to relive your not so proud parenting moments in your head? I’ve just come to accept that I can’t change it, no matter how much I wish to god I could, but I can’t forgive myself for it, and I still don’t think I do *every *single *thing I could possibly do for the kids. That gets into the one icon you have that says something like "Motherhood, you don’t have to lose yourself in it to be good" or something like that…ok I’m bawling now so I’m going to go emo stain someplace else.
7 Steph // Apr 5, 2008 at 3:33 pm
Amber - I don’t do that at all. What’s done is done, and there’s no sense kicking my own ass over it. Do I wish it had been different? Sure. Does kicking my own ass make it different? No. So, I pick up and do my best now.
I’m human; I’m going to make mistakes. Learning from them and moving on is the best way to deal with that, in my never humble opinion.
8 Amber // Apr 5, 2008 at 3:51 pm
I know you’re right…and I managed to do what you said or awhile…you know how I over analyze shit. I’m just going to repeat what you said to myself ("Steph said…") until in sinks in.
9 Steph // Apr 5, 2008 at 4:04 pm
Amber - The world would be a better place if everyone would just listen to me. :nod:
10 Jane // Apr 5, 2008 at 10:10 pm
Your last message to Amber — WORD.
11 Jean // Apr 5, 2008 at 11:07 pm
This moved me to tears, in a good way. Besides what you’ve already told him today, save this post and show it to him when he’s grown. He’ll cherish it, whether or not he ever says so in so many words. :-)
12 Steph // Apr 6, 2008 at 11:33 am
Jane - Hee. Also? I missed talking to you. I’m glad you called. :)
Jean - I’m not showing him my blog. He’d kill me.
13 Missy // Apr 6, 2008 at 6:36 pm
Awwww dude this totally made me choke up.
14 Steph // Apr 6, 2008 at 7:57 pm
Missy - Me too. That’s why I had to throw in that bit about his outfit. :grin: Also, I had to use that photo ’cause I know you have much love for Matt’s train gear.
15 Robbi // Apr 7, 2008 at 4:49 pm
Hmm. So you’re saying you love the little hellcat then? :-D
That was sweet, and made me a little weepy about my own kids. :*) But then I plugged in my camera to download some pictures and came across 84,000 self-portraits by Katie and quickly dialed the adoption agency.
16 Steph // Apr 7, 2008 at 4:57 pm
Robbi - I might know a mom who maybe forgot that she’s her son’s greatest fan and maybe
screamed at himtold him toSTFUquiet down a little because he’s afreakazoidmorning person and his mom isa total bitchnot.17 Robbi // Apr 7, 2008 at 5:25 pm
That’s crazy that you say that. I know a mom who sometimes does that, too, and I always just shake my head in June Cleaver disbelief when I hear what she’s done *this time.
18 Steph // Apr 7, 2008 at 6:35 pm
Robbi - Not every mom can be as awesome as we are, you know. :hairtoss and lockerslam:
19 Noel // Apr 7, 2008 at 9:20 pm
Don’t worry. I’m sure he’ll work out the emo about the engineer outfit in therapy. The rest, my schmoopie, is gravy. :)
20 Steph // Apr 7, 2008 at 9:37 pm
Noel - Hopefully, he will never see my blog and thus, never remember that outfit. But if he DOES find my blog, that engineer outfit will be the last of his concerns. :grin: