As y’all know, I’m on a “Positive Discipline” kick lately. (Dig in, my poppies, I don’t see this one ending anytime soon.) I don’t want to rehash the book, but there are some concepts that have struck me like a 2×4 right in the face. Except way less painful. And no ugly bruising or broken bones. And without the wood. So, nothing at all like a 2×4 to the face really, except that some of them did bowl me over, at least figuratively.
The first one I’m going to talk about is the idea of asking children to control their behavior when we, as adults, are not controlling our own. How many times have you ever said or done something to your spouse or your friend or your sibling or even one of your kids in the heat of the moment and then wished like hell you’d never said or done it? Would it have been helpful to you in that instance to have that spouse, friend, etc. say, “Well. That was terrible. Why did you do that? Why don’t you go sit in that chair right there and think about it for a while”? Would it have been helpful to you if they’d hit you? Would you have felt like making things right? No? Then why do you expect those methods to work with your kids?
I know. I’ll give you a moment to ponder that. I spent probably 15 minutes really thinking about that one concept.
Okay. Ready? Good. I think where we, as parents, have to start (in any parenting method) is with ourselves. If I can’t control my temper, how can I ask my kids to control theirs? If I’m not modeling loving, respectful communication, just how can I ask them to communicate with love and respect? I know, I know, I’m a grownup; different rules apply to me. But let me ask you this; why are children inherently less worthy of basic respect - acknowledging a kid’s feelings (even the unpleasant ones), getting their input on decisions that will affect them, letting them make (at least some of) their own decisions, etc? Why haven’t I thought about this before? Why have I clung to this notion that since I’m the grownup, I know what’s best and the kids don’t get much say-so?
And most importantly, why have I been baffled by my kids’ rebellion? Oh, don’t get me wrong - I have good kids. Their rebellions to this point have all been fairly minor, but little things add up. I realized that in refusing to give them their own say in their lives, I was setting myself up for rebellion. I should be glad it’s all been minor.
Mind-blowing stuff, innit?
Tags: motherhood · parenting · Positive Discipline · respectComments
