I like to think of these posts as a sort of nitty-gritty, down & dirty, this-is-what-real-kids-do version of the “What to Expect When You’re…”series. First, there was my Fat Chick’s Guide to Pregnancy. Then came a guide to newborns. I tried to write a guide to raising teenagers, but that failed miserably as my only advice is to start taking Xanax when the child reaches age 11 and don’t stop taking it until they move out.
Today I’m going to write about how to behave once the baby is mobile. As much supervision as you’ll give your precious baby and as much attention as you pay to what they’re doing and where they are, they’re still faster than you. And babies are wily. They are some crafty little critters, and their only mission in life is to put stuff in their mouths before you can get it away from them. It’s you against them, and don’t forget it for a second, sister. If you do, that second will be the one in which the baby finds the litter box and begins exploring it.
Now, there might come a time during your baby’s development when you wonder if your baby is telekinetic, as you are certain you moved any and all dangerous and/or valuable objects out of their reach yet there sits little Susie with your Faberge egg. Little Susie is, in fact, capable of moving objects with her mind. If she can see it, she can get it. So your best bet is to move everything out of her sight. And don’t buy the line about getting to the baby’s level and looking around — add at least two feet to that. Really, your best bet is to just pack it all up until Susie turns…well, until Susie moves out. That’s about the time when your egg will be safe again.
I mentioned before that your baby will be faster than you. I have yet to figure out how a baby who’s moving on all fours can outpace a running adult, but it’s true. Plus, they can get into spots where adults have to contort, crouch and curse to even reach. And babies know this and instinctively head for those spots, like behind the couch or under an end table. In this race, it’s not about who’s faster, it’s about who’s more able to accurately predict the other racer’s path. Instead of trying to catch your baby, you have to stay two steps ahead of the little rat. You have to look at a room and ask yourself where all the baby hidey-holes are and then plan accordingly.
Now you may be thinking that you’ll just stay within arm’s reach of the baby. To that I say, “Good luck, sister.” A determined nine month old can move out of arm’s reach within .1 second, leaving an unwary parent completely baffled. But not you, my friends, you’re going to be prepared. You’re going to know that as soon as the baby gets out of reach, she’s heading for the dog’s crate to eat dog hair, and you’re going to cut her off at the pass. You’re going to know that if she’s foiled at her dog hair mission, she’ll simply head for the pile of shoes by the front door, and you’ll cut her off there, too. You’ll spend entire mornings FUNGAH! FOILING! your baby.
Toys are handy distractions for babies, but do not think for one moment that her brightly colored, shiny, blinky-blinky-blinky, noise-making rattle is more attractive to her than the dog’s chewtoy. It is not. The dog’s chewtoy will be infinitely more fun and tasty to your baby than anything actually designed for her to play with and chew on. Same goes for cat toys, older sibling’s toothpaste, daddy’s remotes, etc. Toys are only fun if nothing else is handy. It’s your job to make sure nothing else is handy.
So, now that I feel I’ve given you advice you’ll never read in any parenting book, I’m off to spend time with my recently-awakened nine month old. I’m hoping that the minute she’s been alone in there hasn’t been enough time for her to fashion an escape rope from her bedding. Wish me luck.
