I let Matt have the eensiest bit of freedom today, and he reminded me why that’s a horrible, horrible idea. I let him make his own lunch. First, I’m lazy like that, and second, Tricia was being a poophead. So I told him he could go make his own frozen pizza. (Don’t start on the nutrition, people. I have a lot on my plate, okay? Oh. Hee. Pun wasn’t intended, but I’ll leave it.) I go downstairs to get something for Tricia, and Matt is lying on the couch watching TV.

Me: What the F*** are you doing?

Matt: (genuinely puzzled) Waiting on my pizza to get done.

Me: Have you lost your mind?

Matt: What? I was just waiting for my pizza!

Me: WITH THE TV ON????

Matt: I was bored.

Me: I will. beat. you.

Matt: Sorry, Momm-ay. I was just waiting for my pizza, and the TV was already on.

Me: Go. sit. at. the. table. until. your. pizza. is. done.

Matt: Are you mad at me?

Me: Glurg, barg, uggle, wooooooo. Boy.

Matt: I’m going.

He’s alive. He’s unharmed. Admire my restraint, please.