Oh, Bill, My beloved husband, my wonderful life partner, the one person in this world to whom I can turn for anything and everything…except advice about insomnia. Because you see, darling, dear, love of my life, “Just lay down and go to sleep” isn’t how it works, but I do appreciate that you were trying to help. Well, except the part where you woke me up to feed the baby, despite the 22 oz. of breastmilk stored in our freezer and despite the fact that you’re well aware of how much sleep I’ve been getting (or not getting). I’m not quite sure why you believed waking me up would further you on your oft-stated goal to help me sleep, but I’m sure you meant well. /sarcasm

How do you explain insomnia to someone who can fall asleep nearly at will? How do you explain the fact that, despite being deliriously tired, you absolutely can’t fall asleep? How do you explain to someone that 3 hours of sleep is a tease and a taunt to your hope of recovering any sanity but plenty sufficient for your brain and body to say, “Sleep? No way!”? Further, how do you refrain from killing someone whose response to all this is, “Well, just lay down and go to sleep already”?

Send help (and by “help”, I know y’all know I mean “baked goods”). Probably in a few hours, I’ll need it to be shipped to our local jail, so make sure it’s a cake with a file in it, please?