Right now, I’m extremely angry. I’m angry with Bill because he knows that my mom and SarahMySister will be here in less than 12 hours, and the house is not up to standards. So, what does he decide he should spend his time on? Calling the cable company about a box that isn’t working properly. :blank stare:
I’m also angry with Lenna because her room is disgusting. I get physically ill just looking at it. Granted, there aren’t any messes that involve food or drinks or any of that kind of thing, but there are piles of toys and drifts of papers everywhere. I asked her to please get it cleaned up enough so that we will have a place to put the air mattress for SarahMySister. In two hours, did it get done? Of course not.
I’m also angry because I cannot find a way to express to anyone with any kind of clarity just what is in my head these days. I can’t get Bill to understand just how much I don’t feel like I fit in. And it’s not that I want to fit in; I don’t want that. I like me. I like being quirky and sarcastic and rebellious and just a little weird.
What I want is to live somewhere where people won’t mind that I’m me. I want to live somewhere where everyone else is a little quirky and sarcastic and rebellious and weird. I want to be among my own kind, and this? Is not among my own kind. At all.
And I’m coming across like I’m feeling depressed about myself. I’m not, not even a little. I really am okay with being Wanda Weird. I’m more depressed that I can’t seem to get over trying to fit in. I’m depressed that I’m not courageous enough to say to the world, “Hey. This is me. Like it or lump it; I don’t care.” I’m depressed that I want to color my hair black with purple tips, but I won’t do it because of what other people might think.
That’s crazy. That’s ridiculous. Who cares? Right? Sadly, I care, but I also care that fitting in would mean being a complete fake anytime we’re not home (or with SarahD and Chris). It’s a dilemma of my own making. Solution — be me, and eff anyone who doesn’t like it.
Yeah. I wish.
Related:
Loading ...