Someone needs to stop me. I’m pretty sure I’m addicted to WalMart. Now I know what you’re thinking, “Oh, Steph. Not WalMart.” But yes, my friends, I’m addicted to WalMart. The only addiction I think that can top it would be my addiction to the interwebs, and hooooo boy, that says something, doesn’t it? (I was getting online mere hours after giving birth to Tricia. I was online less than 24 hours after Norma Jean was set free, for God’s sake! Again with the digressing.)

Anyway, my first instinct when I get my paychecks isn’t, “Huh. I oughtta save this so I can go to Lowe’s tomorrow and buy the rest of the stuff I need to fix up my bathroom” or “YAY! A trip to Tattoo Bill’s tomorrow to get a new piece of jewelry for my monroe”; it’s “Let’s go to WalMart.” At 11:00 P.M.

And for what? (I know you’re asking because Bill asked, too.) My answer to him is the same as to you — “I don’t know, but I’m pretty sure I need something from WalMart.” And that’s about as specific as I can get.

Now I bet you’re asking how do I know I need something from WalMart if I can’t think of it now? (Again, Bill asked, too.) Well, here’s how — even though I can’t think of a single thing I need from WalMart, I guarantee y’all that I will come home with something after our little venture there tonight. This proves, to me, that I need something from WalMart.

Now maybe need is the wrong word, maybe I should say want instead. But hello? Do you know the kind of stuff you can get at WalMart? And for dirt cheap? Oh sure, you might not think you need a cheapo plastic cutting board with a handle, but you start folding t-shirts with that sucker the way t-shirts are folded at The Gap, Old Navy, etc, and you tell me that sucker doesn’t work like a charm.

And dammit, where else can you be just totally sure that you’re getting the low price? ALWAYS? Hmm? HMM? And don’t give me any answers that involve places that aren’t open at 11:00 P.M. (or later) because that wouldn’t satisfy my need to go on my schedule (which could be read as: my need for instant gratification).

Plus, I just thought of what I need from WalMart — one of those lightbulb things that’ll save me $36/year. You know I’m green like that.