I won’t finish that since I’m trying to cut down on the swear words here. I’m very non-plussed with my experience with them and their gift certificate program, and it’s all I can do not to haul out words stronger than “dang” here, kids. I’ve been trying since yesterday to get the prize for the contest sent out.

Now with any other website I’ve used, the process of sending someone a gift certificate via e-mail has been click, click, enter a card number, click, done (or some variant thereof). Not so with Amazon. Now to be fair, I transposed some numbers when I entered the CC number. My duh, but easy to fix. Or so you’d think. Or maybe it was just me that thought it would be easy to fix.

When Amazon pointed out my error, I fixed it immediately. For some reason, though, that error messed things up. I broke their processing thingy apparently…or at least that’s what the three customer service people with whom I interacted intimated. Well, that was one of the things they intimated.

The other things were that I was stupid and that my bank was a hoser. Both of these things are true but had nothing to do with Amazon taking its sweet time processing that order. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

First call happened this morning with a man named Josh. Or so he claimed. I’m guessing his parents were really non-traditional when they named him since I’ve never before met a “Josh” who sounded exactly like Apu from “The Simpsons.” No, I’m not being racist — he really sounded exactly like Apu.

“Josh” proceeds to inform me that there was a problem processing my payment. I asked him why. He tells me I entered the CC number incorrectly. I tell him I was made aware of this last night and corrected the problem and that my order screen is showing the correct card number.

Clearly, “Josh” does not believe I am capable of performing higher functions like entering numerical data (and given that I hosed it up the first time, maybe he was justified), so he wants me to give him my CC number again so he can enter it.

This leads me to a side rant. Now there is a cadence used when repeating numbers back to someone. For example, when you tell someone your phone number, you say 111 - 111 -
1111. You do not say 11 - 11 - 11 - 11 - 11 or 1111 - 1111 - 11 or any crap like that. Unless you’re European, I guess, but their phone numbers are all effed up anyway. (Much love to my Bulgarians, messed up phone system notwithstanding.)

So, when someone tells you a credit card number, xxxx - xxxx - xxxx - xxxx, repeat it back the same frelling way, wouldja? Don’t do any weird, xx - now there are four x’s here; right? - xx - xx. It’s confusing and messed up and it makes the other person crazy trying to figure out if what you’re saying is right; okay?

ANYway, “Josh” fails to tell me that the very moment he re-enters my information, the time allotted for this order to process (”around” 24 hours) will start over. He just…doesn’t bother to mention it. The rat.

“Josh” re-enters the information and assures me with much sincerity that my order should be processed shortly. He also implies that if I had just done it right the first time, I wouldn’t have broken the system’s ability to process this in a timely manner. Whatever.

I reiterate to “Josh” that I fully expect that to get posted today. He assures me again that it will. I wonder if “Josh” has learned the English idiom, “Liar, liar, pants on fire.”

So, I wait a few hours — order is still not sent. COME. ON. This is a simple transaction. I say “Hey, e-mail SoAndSo this much cabbage to use on your website!” You say, “Yes, ma’am!”, charge my credit card and send SoAndSo his/her money. There is nothing about this process that should take hours.

So, I decide to try the e-mail route. I get the following in response (bolding is mine):

Thanks for writing to us at Amazon.com. You are welcome.As you requested, we will retry your credit card as soon as possible. Um, why not now? You had time to send out this boilerplate e-mail — that time could’ve been spent, oh I dunno, PROCESSING MY ORDER?!?
We will notify you via e-mail if any further action is required on
your part. I’m sure you will. It might be weeks from now, but I’m sure you will.

You can also view the status of your account and orders at any time
by clicking the “Your Account” link at the top of our home page. In
the “Payment Method” section for any unshipped order, you can update
your credit card details or request that we retry your card. And that will maybe happen soon? Uh. Huh.

I hope this information is helpful. If you have any further
questions
please visit our online Help pages:

http://www.amazon.com/help/your-account

Thank you for shopping at Amazon.com.

Please let us know if this e-mail resolved your question:

If yes, click here:
http://www.amazon.com/rsvp-y?c=XXXX
If not, click here:
http://www.amazon.com/rsvp-n?c=XXXX

Please note: this e-mail was sent from an address that cannot accept
incoming e-mail. Of course it can’t. That would make it easier on your customers, and we cannot have that, can we?

To contact us about an unrelated issue, please visit the Help
section of our web site.

Best regards,

Evanjaline S.

Fine. I can wait a bit more. I’ve alerted the recipient as to what’s going on, so she knows I’m not a welsher.

Fast-forward a few hours — still not sent. Now, I’m mad. Really, really mad. I call customer service again and speak with Pat. Probably she was actually Patricia, and she seemed like a nice enough lady…at first.

Pat informs me that it’s not processed because my bank/credit card company isn’t responding. Oh ho ho ho, Pat, I think not. My bank lives to take money out of my account and give it to other people. I can practically hear their gleeful outbursts and giddy chuckling when a request is made that they take some of my scratch.

So, Pat takes a gander at my account and informs me that “Josh” and his re-entry have made it so that the “24 hour processing time” started this morning. Wait…whu? 24 hour processing time? What in the…?

I ask Pat why it takes 24 hours, and she tells me that it’s all my bank’s fault. When I point out that I’ve never had this issue with any other website I’ve used, she then tells me it’s because I broke the processing system with my erroneous entry. Okay, she didn’t pointblank say that, but she implied it.

At this point, I am all done dealing with Amazon, and I proceed to inform Pat of this. I ask her to cancel the order, and she does so. Good thing that can happen immediately, I guess.

I also point out to her that I’d planned on using Amazon for future contests, so they were losing business. Suddenly, there is boredom and apathy oozing out of my phone and getting all over my shirt. I tell Pat to have a nice night, and I hang up.

Anyone know how to get out apathy stains?