…for those of you who have yet to experience the joys of parenthood. (This is geared to those who plan to nurse.)

First, believe every single woman who tells you that labor is the most excruciating pain you will ever feel. I don’t care whether or not you’ve got 472 tattoos and 897 piercings — it’s not the same. I don’t care if you had 42 kidney stones the size of golf balls, this will be worse.

What I’m trying to say here is that there is this odd camp of women who believe that going through labor drug-free entitles one to a badge or medal or something. And maybe it does — I wouldn’t know since I happily accepted any and all drugs offered to me during labor all three times I went through it. (While I was having Tricia, Rakim, the Jamaican janitor, slipped me some hash at one point, I’m pretty sure.) But I digress. Those women who do it drug-free are amazing to be sure, but have the epi. You’ll thank me.

Next point — your precious, sweet, tiny, beautiful little baby will poop something that closely resembles roofing tar, and much like tar, it is nearly impossible to remove without a jackhammer and several burly construction men with strong stomachs. Thankfully, this only lasts a day or so.

What comes next, however, will have you longing for the days of simple-but-not-stinky tarpoop. To answer the questions you will inevitably ask, I offer the following answers:
1. Yes, it is supposed to be that color, even though you didn’t eat anything orange recently;
2. Yes, babies can poop approximately their own body weight;
3. No, despite all appearances to the contrary, breastmilk does not actually contain seeds; and
4. No one is sure how come a kid who eats only milk makes poop that smells nothing like milk or any milk product known to man. Ever. Yes, including those stinky cheeses from France.

Also, you should know that new outfit = laxative for your baby. And the more expensive the outfit, the more effective it will be as a laxative. Further, taking the baby out in public in said new outfit will at least double that laxative effect. Science hasn’t proven this yet, but ask any mom and she’ll tell you I’m right.

Now there will be times you believe that your wonderful new little bundle of joy is intentionally keeping you from sleep. You’re right. Babies come with a factory-installed “Mommy’s dozing off” sensor that causes them to wake from the deepest of slumbers for the sole purpose of screaming until you whip out a boob and nurse them for approximately 30 seconds, at which point the baby will go back to sleep…for long enough for you to put up the boob. Rinse. Repeat.

Speaking of milk, the phrase “milk bath” will no longer mean “a long, luxurious soak in your tub surrounded by the wonderful aromas of lavender and chamomile and whatever else you like”. It will now mean “what happens when you fall asleep while nursing the baby (who also falls asleep and thus, off the breast) and wake up in a puddle to see your cats licking their chops contentedly.”

I hope you have found this informative.