A while back, I got this idea about writing a Fat Chick’s Guide to Pregnancy. Well, today is the day I start.

This isn’t totally about fat chicks, I guess. But there are things that the pregnancy books either don’t tell you or totally sugarcoat. I’m going to take some time to explain a few of these things. It probably won’t happen all in one post, since my preggo brain forgets a lot of stuff. But here’s at least part of it.

First — if you’re larger than a size 14/16, don’t expect to find maternity clothes. Any that you do find will be terribly expensive or downright ugly. Now there are exceptions here and there, but you’ll have to hunt for them. Your best bet is to find lots of stretchy pants (think yoga pants, kids) and t-shirts that you won’t want to wear again (they’ll get stretched all to hell and back). Given that you’ll only wear the things for a few months, what’s the point of spending tons of money? And I swear to you, once you’re showing, no one will look twice at you when you’re wearing PJs and a t-shirt to the store. That’s the voice of experience there.

Also, maternity underwear that’s “one size fits all” is, surprisingly, not one size fits all. It’s “one size fits all people who carry a pregnancy the way the model on our package does, so those of you who have any extra flab better just buy some damn boxers and shut up.”

If you’re already pretty big-busted, expect things to go from big to giant. Pam Anderson will see you and say, “Don’t you think those are a little oversized?” Your instinct will be to go buy new bras ASAP. Do not do this. Buy a ribcage extension (they have ‘em at sewing stores), and hold off as long as possible. Otherwise, you’re going to be buying bras for quite a while. Your boobs aren’t going to stop growing until well after the baby comes. If you plan on nursing, buy your nursing bras at least a cup size bigger than you think you need. (Engorgement isn’t a myth, kids. Once you’re no longer engorged, you’ll still need the room for the fun little nursing pads that’ll prevent you from clearly demonstrating your mammarian production skillz.

Stretch mark cream is a joke. Stretch marks cannot be prevented, no matter what the cute little bottle of “bump” lotion says. Sure, the lotion might help, but the tendency to get (or not get) stretch marks is a matter of genetics. Don’t believe me? Go Google it right now. Also, you probably know whether or not your prone to stretch marks already. You’d think your skin wouldn’t have that much stretching to do if you’re already heavy. You’d be wrong and unhappily surprised.

This isn’t solely for fat girls, but it’s an ugly surprise, so I figured I’d warn you. Your once-cute and reasonably-sized nipples will suddenly be bumpy and much darker and will be approximately the size of dinner plates. Now this is one of those things that’s covered in the pregnancy books, but they say, “Your nipples might become larger and darker.” That’s not enough to describe this particular phenomenon, I promise.

Okay, that’s it for now. More to come, I’m sure.