Alright, kids, it’s time we sit down and have a talk about fashion. Most of what designers put out is a practical joke on the public. “Haute Couture” really means “How Stupid Can I Make This Outfit and Still Have Folks Spend Lots of Money on It.” (That’s a loose translation, but damn accurate, if you ask me.)

Alternative theory is that, like most Scottish food, haute couture is based on a dare. Jesus, people, am I the only one who’s seen the way Betsey Johnson attires herself? Do you really want her deciding what’s cool for you? I guess mostly I’d just like to see everyone stop trying so damn hard to follow trends and start wearing stuff they actually like and stuff that’s actually flattering.

A great example — floppy hats. Those aren’t flattering on anyone, except maybe those born really ugly. (And don’t hand me some shit about all God’s children being beautiful. They’re not. We all know it, so let’s drop the playing nice.) Everyone else? Avoid them. They cover your face and make your head look ginormous. Is that really the look you’re going for?

A fashion trend near and dear to my heart is the 80s style stuff coming back. However, as much as I loved the 80s and 90s, our clothes weren’t so cool that they need to be brought back. Really. They weren’t great then, they’re not great now. Stop with the jelly bracelets, people. And gigantic, chunky bracelets all the way up the arm? No. Stop. Now. Dear God, let’s not even get started on what I think of ponchos (which are actually more a 70s thing.)

And another jeans rant (’cause I live to bitch about jeans, and this is another 80s/90s trend that’s coming back) — stop buying jeans that are already dirty and/or torn up. That’s stupid. Hello, get some effin’ sandpaper and save yourself a hundred bucks. Am I the only one who’s seen the Levis commercial or what?

So, the ranting is over. At least ’til I get home and do a big update.